Christmas eve

Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t posted since August. Things went really south for me in the beginning of September. I was hurt and embarrassed and guess I just wanted to hold it all in.

So its 3:13am on Christmas eve. I can hear Zach in the other room talking in his google hangout. He’s gone so far in the past few months. He’s working for a website that gets him media credentials to Magic games, then he writes reviews. This is what he wants to do with his life so I am super proud of him and happy for him. He has one more semester at community  college before he moves on to the “big leagues.”

So its 3:17am on Christmas eve and its 72 degrees. Ugh. I hate Florida. We barely had a fall, and winter has been scarce, obviously. Its supposed to cool down for Christmas and New Years eve at least.

Jon broke up with me. I miss him terribly. We’re still in touch as friends and are possibly doing New Years eve together. That’s a lot of the reason I haven’t posted, because I feel like such a loser for getting dumped. It was over my emotions, which have gotten the better of me this year. I think possible having never properly grieved for my mother has something to do with it. Plus he doesn’t like my drinking, which has quadrupled since we broke up. Go figure, right? I don’t feel like he’s ever been completely straight with me when it comes to how he feels about me. He said he loved me, but he just walked away and didn’t talk to me for nearly a month. What am I supposed to think? I feel like it was a lie, and he never really loved me.

Enough of my pathetic ramblings. I hope those of you reading have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year! Here’s to hoping I can make 2014 a positive year.

Can summer be over?

I’m so ready for it not to be summer. Won’t happen until October though. Ugh, I hate Florida sometimes. The heat keeps me inside. Haven’t been geocaching in over a month. I’m not going to get to my goal of 100 caches by the end of the year at this rate. I have a pool which would be great to get into, but I don’t like to be that exposed to the daytime sun. Its no wonder I’m depressed. I think its like seasonal affective disorder, only I get it in the summer.

Sunday Jon and I went to the Florida Aquarium in Tampa. I bought a Groupon that got us both in for basically the price of one. Its a good thing too _MG_1547because it was just kind of mediocre. I was expecting vast tanks with lots of beautiful fish but it wasn’t really like that at all.  A lot of the space was dedicated to Florida wetlands, which is nice. There were ducks and other water birds that were nice to see, but most freshwater fish are kind of boring to look at. They did have a few penguins though. That made me happy. In honor of shark week I’m sharing this picture of a couple of lovelies that were in one of the bigger tanks, the kind I wish there were more of. There was also one tank with a mermaid, but we got there just as she was leaving. I would have liked to have seen that. What a fun job that must be. They had a dolphin cruise available too, but at $16 Jon didn’t want to do it.

Afterwards we went to Tampa Bay Brewing Company in Ybor City. Their beer is good but their food is just not that great. We had a perogies appetizer and it was so bland. We ended up getting pizza at some place that had no air conditioning. On a 90+ degree day, it was not pleasant.

I continue to not get up and exercise, and I eat very little throughout the course of the day because I just don’t have an appetite. I’m afraid to get on a scale. I was getting nicely toned when I was working out but I can see that fading away, which is discouraging. I just am not that motivated with the program I’m doing. I’ve only got two weeks to complete the six weeks, but the same boring workout every day is just not working for me. I’ve got a new program that’s a pretty intense cardio program, I just haven’t had the nerve to try it yet.

Jon hasn’t stayed the night the last couple of nights. For a while there he was here pretty much every night. I’ve needed the space and he has apparently too. My mood is making things hard for me, and for him I’m sure. Its a shame too because he is finally on a school break when things should be more relaxed and we could spend more quality time together. Soon enough the fall semester will start and he’ll be stressed by school again.

If I could just get out of this funk I think things would be better. I’ve been doing this 30-day goal setting/personal organization program and I’m following along every day, I’m just not following through. I don’t take any time for hobbies anymore, I’m completely off the schedule I had myself on. I just feel worthless, to be honest, and that’s not a good feeling. I just need to find myself.


Bummer end to the month

I was doing really well for a while there. I was getting up every morning, working out, eating well, feeling good about myself. Then a couple of weeks ago I just crashed. I lost all confidence in myself. I lost my drive. It came on without warning and it seems to have settled in. I’m staying in bed later, not exercising, not keeping track of my eating like I should be. I really don’t know what happened.

They say exercise is supposed to help with depression. My doctor did say it could make anxiety worse, but this doesn’t feel like anxiety. This is just a pit of despair I’m in. I’m picking fights with Jon, I’m getting upset over little things, and bigger things. Stuff is just not going well in my head.

My dad is home from rehab. He got back a week ago. He’s doing his physical therapy by himself, but at least he’s doing it.  I guess its been pretty uneventful having him back. The quiet of no tv was nice while it lasted, though.

I’ve either acquired athletes foot or I’m having an allergic reaction to something I put on my feet. They’ve been itching horribly the past couple of days. I’ve been using allergy medication and athletes foot spray today and one of them is helping. I’m just not sure which. Seems there are a lot of things I’m not sure of these days.

Cleanse it

I’m on the third and last day of a Shakeology cleanse. I’m getting all of the nutrients I need by drinking three shakes a day and eating dinner, which is a white protein and  green vegetable, but only having that one meal to chew makes me hungry. Also, I’m detoxing a bit again, so I’m headachy and light-headed. Its really been a case of mind over matter, and I’m pleased I’m actually going to make it through, but oh man do I want a steak tomorrow!

Otherwise I’ve been taking time to myself, thinking about things, trying to take care of myself a bit. Had a massage yesterday, gave myself a mani pedi. Today I got my eyebrows waxed, which is SUCH a thrill, but they look better now and that makes me feel better. I also got to pick up my new glasses yesterday. They’re Tiffany so they have little silver hearts by the hinges. They were 50% off making them extremely reasonably priced, too. Can’t beat that.

Zach is doing most of the visiting to my dad. He’s been really good about it. I explained to him why its hard for me to go there, but I still should drop in at some point this week. Zach says he seems to be doing well, so who knows when he may come home. Its pretty quiet and relaxed without him here, I have to admit.

I hope you all are enjoying your summer. What are you doing? I’m just trying to avoid the heat as much as possible!


Insomnia workout

I fell asleep around 12:30 and was awake again at 3:30 because I was hot, thirsty, and had to pee. It’s now almost 6am and I’m still awake. My mind won’t shut down, I can’t get comfortable. As soon as I see a little sunlight, I’m going to pop in my workout and just start my day.

My routine has become get up early, work out, have breakfast, take a shower, then whatever. Sometimes I take a nap because even though I’m getting more physical activity in every day, I’m still not getting a good nights sleep. Usually its five hours. And the ridiculous thing is I take ambien! That’s supposed to help you sleep for eight hours. I figure today if I just get up and go about my business, I’ll definitely want a nap, so maybe I can take one early in the day.

I’ve been on this schedule/routine for three weeks now and its paid off. I’ve lost six pounds and gained some muscle/strength. Today I’m going to start a three day Shakeology cleanse, which I’m hoping will help me drop a few extra this week. As moody and tired as I am its probably not the best time, but because of things, it just works out this week. Things being Jon. He has no idea how to manage his time and school work. He has a project due next week that he’s had for a couple of weeks. He’s worked on it some, but now he has to shut me out for a week so he can focus and get it done. I don’t know why I’m upset. I’m used to this bullshit in some form. This is just the first time he’s basically told me he’s shutting me out.

Otherwise things have been kind of, eh, things. After my dad’s fall and break, he tried to do things as normally as possible. Then he just gave up and went downhill. He fell twice in one week, resulting in me calling for help. The second time he agreed to go to the hospital and get help. He had an infection, most likely from the break, and low potassium, so they kept him for a few days. After that they recommended time in a rehab center. He agreed. I chose the one my mom had been in because they have a great therapy department. I just didn’t think about how hard it was going to be for me to go there since the last time I went was when my mom passed. They’ve made major upgrades, and the place looks different, but there’s still that familiar feeling. I’ve been having to send Zach to see my dad.

I know that’s part of what is draining me emotionally. I rely on Jon for emotional support since I don’t have many other people, and now I’ve just had that yanked away. I guess that’s why I’m so raw. Its just another reminder you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. I just need to rebuild that emotional wall so things aren’t so damn close to my heart. I’m the only person that will be there for me all of the time.

There’s other incredible crap going on too, but I don’t feel like getting into it. Time to wake up, work out, and try to distance myself from my feelings.

Insomnia strikes again

Still really tense and that’s been keeping me from sleeping well lately.  My ceiling fan was making a ticking sound and it was making me very angry since I’m already on edge. When it was time to go to bed I was in knots. Then Jon was snoring which woke me up, then he got really quiet which woke me up. He ended up getting sick from dinner.

My fault. If I’d just said I didn’t want to go there like I didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have gotten sick. I tried to take care of him but he left and went home saying he wanted to stretch out. Apparently my giving him 90% of the bed wasn’t enough. I did something wrong to make him leave at nearly 5 am.

I wanted to get in my car and drive away. Drive to the beach and watch the sunrise. Something to get out of this place where everything is going so wrong. I didn’t though because Zach was still up and I didn’t want him to feel like I was running out on him. Plus I think he wanted to come and I just really wanted to be alone. I’d take off for the west coast but I can’t really be gone with the car all day.

I just feel like I can’t quite escape, and I need to.

The stuff keeps rolling in

So last I posted, my dad had been taken to the hospital because of his arm. It turns out he broke his shoulder pretty badly. They wanted to admit him and do surgery the next day. He declined, left AMA, and came home in a sling. He said he needed more time to think about it. He was/is also rather mad at me for calling the paramedics. Honestly I figured they’d come, look at his arm, make a recommendation, he’d refuse, and they would leave. It just didn’t happen that way. He’s managing in the sling, and is doing most of his usual stuff. I just don’t get why he has to be so stubborn.

I’ve been all kinds of tense. Had my back adjusted at the doctor yesterday but now I’m having shooting pains through my lower back. Went in for a massage today, which helped a bit. I should have tried to book a 90 minute session. My blood pressure was a bit high yesterday too. Could be from stress, but it could also be from a medication that I’m on. Guess I’m going to have to monitor that.

My neighbors were having a garage sale today. I was about to leave for my massage appointment when some guy parked his jeep in our driveway. I went out and yelled for the owner. The guy says to me “That’s mine. Just a minute.” Um, excuse me? I yelled “NO. I am leaving NOW.” He came and moved his jeep. Its not like there wasn’t room to park in the street. Not sure what that guys malfunction was. I know what mine was–stress!

Hoping for a relaxing weekend. Would be nice to get in the pool or something. Something easy on my back would be nice.