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End of the month

Well, so much for dropping a jean size in a month, I worked out four days in a row, was feeling really good and strong. Then I decided to make Saturday my rest day, then Sunday became a rest day too, and then I was just so discouraged with myself that I haven’t done anything but some walking. I also started an 8 weeks to clean eating group and found out I’m not taking in enough calories. Its a struggle to get them all in because my schedule is so screwed up. I’m sleeping 12 hours on average, leaving my up for only 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. I set an alarm to get up earlier but I just end up turning it off. I’ve got to find a way to turn things around or I’m not going to get anywhere and I’m certainly not going to get my list of stuff to do done.

On April 6th, Jon and I went to the Albin Polasek museum and garden. We spent most of our time in the garden wandering around and taking pictures. Lake OsceolaIt was a beautiful day, with the wind blowing off of the lake just perfectly. The gardens are so lovely, they even had Hollyhocks which I adore. There are many sculptures around the gardens too. It would be nice to go back and see what’s blooming in the summer.

Been doing a bit of geocaching this month. I almost went out to look for a cache on my own today but its one Jon and I have looked for together and not found, so I feel like I should wait and find it with him. We went searching for a multi-cache the other night. We had to go to one location to get a number to find the coordinates for the second location, same thing at the second location, and then finally we had the coordinates for the cache. We found it, but couldn’t reach it! I was frustrated. I guess I need to learn a little more patience.

Zach just finished his second year of college. Unfortunately due to dropped classes and one failure, he’s a semester behind. I would have liked him to take a summer class but he didn’t want to. I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to goof off all summer. I have plans for him. He’s going to be thrilled.

Does anyone have any good summer vacation plans?

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April fool

It seems like the weather is finally getting warm and going to stay that way. Last week we had highs in the lower 60′s and lows in the 40′s. That’s winter weather here. January was warmer than usual so all the spring blooming trees went into full bloom. Then February and March were cooler. The poor trees are so confused. They aren’t growing leaves yet, and some of them are actually starting to bloom again. I’m not a fan of hot weather, but it will be nice to get to a place where the air conditioning will run consistently and the air in the house will circulate.

I had a nice weekend. On Saturday I had Easter Saturday dinner with Jon and his family. I had a nice time, even if I didn’t talk much. I enjoy listening to stories anyway. I was greeted very warmly by everyone with hugs and kisses. I was kind of surprised, but in a really good way. Jon’s sister, it turns out, is a very good cook. On Sunday Jon and I went and picked out new pillows for his bed, and did a bit of geocaching. Searched for three, but only found one (I found it too!). I enjoy geocaching, even if it can be a bit frustrating and eye crossing.

Tomorrow I’m going to finally get off my proverbial and literal ass and work out. I’m going to work out with my friend/coach Amanda in the morning. I’m a bit nervous because my back has been bothering me, but I will do what I can. I’m tired of huffing and puffing, and my legs cramping when I walk. Plus I know part of my back problem probably has to do with lack of core strength and stress from my big belly. Gotta get rid of all of it. I know its going to take some time, but the longer I wait to start, the longer its going to take to make it happen. I’m hoping to drop a jean size by the end of the month. Wish me luck!

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defeat

Last weekend Jon and I went to Lecanto to visit his dad for a St. Patricks day bbq. I know Jon isn’t terribly close to his family, particularly his dad, so since we got the invitation last month, I’ve told him it was completely up to him whether we went or not. Anyways, we went, and it made Jon completely miserable. He said in his own blog that the only reason he went was because it was important to me to “meet the family.” I am a little old fashioned, and being introduced to family does mean something to me. It shows acceptance. But this? I never wanted him to be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want. If I never met his dad because he didn’t want to see him I would have understood. Frankly, I was very nervous around his father, and didn’t quite know what to say. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with him, but I was too afraid and backed out. For the past week I’ve felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Jon says he doesn’t blame me, but its all there, written in black and white, or whatever colors his journal is. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

This weekend, as well as Saturday of last weekend, we spent a lot of time outdoors walking. Last weekend was the Winter Park sidewalk art festival. Its held along Park Ave. and the park that sits along side it. The oak pollen has been high lately, and being out a good part of the day breathing that made me wheeze. I think I kept Jon up most of the night because he kept talking to me, concerned about my breathing. I’ve been a little wheezy since. Maybe there is something else wrong, I don’t know, but I felt bad about wheezing so much. Also, every time we walk, I get extreme pain in my calves. Maybe too much laziness has led to muscle atrophy. I just don’t know, but it really sucks. 

I started something called Shakeology. Its a meal replacement shake with a ton of nutrients, antioxidant, adaptogens, etc. I feel like I’m still waiting for its full effect. The first week and a half I was going though detox, and that was rough. I enjoy drinking it. It feels very complete. I’m technically a Beach Body coach so if any of you are interested in their products or programs (Like Insanity or P90X) don’t hesitate to contact me, violetsinblue@gmail.com, and I’ll help you out. I feel like I can be a great coach. I’m very good at supporting people and encouraging them. I’m just not good at doing it for myself. I’ve got two fitness programs and fear of failure has stopped me from starting both of them. I have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know its not going to be easy at my age and fitness level. I wish I had somebody who was gentle and understanding of my fear to help motivate me. Actually I could really use that in several aspects of my life. But I want to get fit. I want to be healthy, I want to get things done. I’m just scared and don’t believe in myself. And when I hurt people I love, it makes me feel worse about myself.

So yeah. I’m having a kind of shit month. Hope yours is better.

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Some changes

February was kind of a rough month. I had a lot of anxiety pretty much every day. I kept myself as busy as possible, did some nice things for myself like getting a haircut, massage, and facial. I’ll be doing those more often.

Jon and I got back together last week. We had a long talk and cleared up some misunderstandings. Turns out he missed me like I missed him. I feel good about it, still a little nervous he’ll change his mind but he says he won’t. I just need a little time to settle again.

I’m at a point where I need to lose weight for my health. I’m going to start a Beachbody program next month and try Shakeology as well. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m worried that with my age, metabolism, slow thyroid, and bad back that I’m going to have problems making any progress. I’ve got quite a bit to lose. I’m in a group on facebook that’s all doing the same program together so I should have some support. Maybe that will make a difference.

I think its nap time now.

 

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sleepless and a year older

I had a decent birthday. Zach cooked me dinner, and I went out for drinks with my friend Hannah. Got my free cake from Smokey Bones. It wasn’t what I thought I had planned but it was better than just sitting at home.

My sinus infection seems pretty much gone. I only have two more days of antibiotics and I couldn’t be happier. I am so sick of taking them. I swear they make the days feel longer and slower. I know that sounds strange but its true. My back is doing ok. It still hurts if I stand for long. Back to the doctor on Friday for a recheck. I wish he could do something about the knots that have developed in my upper back. I think I need a massage.

Still feeling a bit empty and lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. I’m not sleeping well at night, and only take light naps during the day. I’ve developed a cough, and feel a bit like I’m fighting something off. Sleep would really be a nice thing right now.

My life needs some serious changes.

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Crappy

I’m at the point I wish I could just attach the vacuum to my nose and get rid of all of this congestion. I’m feeling really lousy and I’m just so over it. Its like the world is saying ‘Lets see if we can make her birthday a little worse.” Of course its not uncommon for me to get sick for my birthday, unfortunately. I think the stress lately and lack of sleep has made me worse though. I’m on antibiotics, so theoretically I should be starting to feel better, but its not happening.

Still feeling really down and alone and bad about myself. Zach has tickets to the Magic game tonight and asked me to go but I just don’t feel well enough physically or emotionally. I’ve barely been out of bed since Monday even though I’ve not been sleeping. I get up to eat and get water. Zach has been a lot of help and has kept me company. Chloe too of course. What would the reclusive lady do without her cat?

I hope you all find yourselves in a better place.

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Bad year already

Jon broke up with me last night. Apparently he’s wanted to for a while but has just been carrying me around as a burden instead. I can’t believe I was so stupid I didn’t see that. I really thought things were going well. I had no idea he felt that way. He says he still cares and wants to be my friend. I’m just shocked I was so stupid.

For six years I kept up a wall. I was all alone and I was fine with that. Then Hannah introduced me to Jon and things moved along. I eventually let that wall down and let him in. I had feelings and I thought they were being returned. I made such a big deal to include him in the holidays because he was important to me and I wanted him to feel like he belonged somewhere. He introduced me to his family and I thought that was a big step. All along he had his doubts.

I wish I knew exactly where I went wrong. He says I didn’t, but it had to be something. I was too fearful. I wasn’t outgoing enough. I didn’t make big changes in my life. I’m just not good enough how I am.

So the wall goes back up. All the things I was looking forward to doing with him have gone out the window. I’m far to fearful to go on trips on my own. I was especially looking forward to my birthday this Saturday but it will just be another one spent alone.

I hate 2013.