the blahs

I think my bad habits are really catching up to me now. I feel really lousy and I’ve been having trouble sleeping this week. I wish there was a way I could just drain the bad stuff out of my system. I’ve had too much caffeine, sugar, beer, heavy unhealthy food. My allergies are driving me nuts. When I stand or walk my lower back starts to hurt in as little as five minutes.

I think there needs to be a major adjustment in my food and activity level. I need to go to the grocery and get fresh fruit and veggies. I need to cook healthy meals at home instead of going out so much. I should give up the soda. I need to go to the gym more often. I also need to go to the doctor for blood work and to have my back fixed. I need, I should.

Things have been fairly quiet for the last couple of days. The weather has been a little warm for my liking but that’s ok since I mostly stay inside. There’s so much work that needs to be done in the yard, I need to clean the house. Nothing good or interesting. My life is boring. So all’s the same really.

How do you motivate yourself to exercise and eat right? It seems like it should be so simple to me, especially since I watched my mothers health deteriorate from bad habits. Help?

the good news

My dad had a CT scan last Friday and a doctors appointment regarding that scan today. We found out he is cancer free. This was not expected. The odds were against him going into radiation. They thought it would help, but not heal completely. The doctor called it nothing short of a miracle. My dad came home and celebrated with a cigarette.

I’m relieved, but I’m not as happy as I should be. Honestly, I’d rather have my mom back than have my dad cancer free. I know its not an option, obviously, but it would be my choice if I had one. I’m not that close with my dad. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even like me that much. I was close to my mom. My dad and I haven’t been close since I was under the age of three. He went away to Germany and came back when I was seven. Suddenly I was a pariah. He thought it was “weird” to hug me or tell me he loved me. I only had that from my mom.

I guess this brings out such a spectrum of emotions because it was so unexpected. I fully expected to walk in and here that it helped, but the cancer was still there. That’s what we were set up to believe. Not that its a downer that the cancer is gone, but its such a shock. Not that it will stay away considering his current habits, but its more of a chance than they expected him to have. I don’t know what to do with the news, especially since he told me he only expected to live another year or two.

I feel like a horrible person for not celebrating this amazing thing. I guess life just has be down in the dumps, not expecting anything good to ever happen, so when it does, I don’t know how to react. Why could my dad be saved but my mom had to die? It doesn’t seem fair.

Into October

I’ve been neglectful again. I should have posted over a week ago but I just didn’t. I’m always worried about running out of words to make a decent blog.

The last Sunday in September, Zach and I went out to my Uncle James’s house in Longwood. It was a birthday party for him. I haven’t seen him in quite a few years. My Aunts Sue, Judy, and Faye were all there, as were my cousins Beth and Brian, James’s kids. I haven’t seen Beth for over 10 years, and hadn’t seen Brian since I was a child. Zach got to meet some of his second cousins, all girls. The group of them didn’t seem to have much to talk about. We had a nice lunch and caught up a bit with everybody. James is in rigging so he’s built this deck that sits about 30 or 40 feet up.

I took this from up there, looking over his land and the springs that run through it. You have to take a wobbly bridge to get up there. Once you’re up there, you find another ladder that goes up to another deck about ten feet higher. It feels like a treehouse.

It was nice to go out there and see everybody. Nice to just go out and be among people. There’s no family on my mom’s side, so its when my dad’s side gets together that I see anybody. Its silly, Uncle James lives like 20 minutes away but we’ll go years between seeing each other.

I’m slowly getting ready for Halloween. October 1st brought us the first bit of fall weather of the season, which was a nice way to usher in the month. I haven’t decided if I’m going to put up my Halloween tree, or just not mess with it this year. I just don’t feel as excited. My mom liked Halloween, but not as much as Christmas. I’ve always loved Halloween. Not sure what’s gotten into me this year.

Hope you lovelies are having a good month so far!