Violets in Blue

Insomnia strikes again

Heather — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 10:00:49 +0000

Still really tense and that’s been keeping me from sleeping well lately. My ceiling fan was making a ticking sound and it was making me very angry since I’m already on edge. When it was time to go to bed I was in knots. Then Jon was snoring which woke me up, then he got really quiet which woke me up. He ended up getting sick from dinner.

My fault. If I’d just said I didn’t want to go there like I didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have gotten sick. I tried to take care of him but he left and went home saying he wanted to stretch out. Apparently my giving him 90% of the bed wasn’t enough. I did something wrong to make him leave at nearly 5 am.

I wanted to get in my car and drive away. Drive to the beach and watch the sunrise. Something to get out of this place where everything is going so wrong. I didn’t though because Zach was still up and I didn’t want him to feel like I was running out on him. Plus I think he wanted to come and I just really wanted to be alone. I’d take off for the west coast but I can’t really be gone with the car all day.

I just feel like I can’t quite escape, and I need to.

The stuff keeps rolling in

Heather — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 21:35:41 +0000

So last I posted, my dad had been taken to the hospital because of his arm. It turns out he broke his shoulder pretty badly. They wanted to admit him and do surgery the next day. He declined, left AMA, and came home in a sling. He said he needed more time to think about it. He was/is also rather mad at me for calling the paramedics. Honestly I figured they’d come, look at his arm, make a recommendation, he’d refuse, and they would leave. It just didn’t happen that way. He’s managing in the sling, and is doing most of his usual stuff. I just don’t get why he has to be so stubborn.

I’ve been all kinds of tense. Had my back adjusted at the doctor yesterday but now I’m having shooting pains through my lower back. Went in for a massage today, which helped a bit. I should have tried to book a 90 minute session. My blood pressure was a bit high yesterday too. Could be from stress, but it could also be from a medication that I’m on. Guess I’m going to have to monitor that.

My neighbors were having a garage sale today. I was about to leave for my massage appointment when some guy parked his jeep in our driveway. I went out and yelled for the owner. The guy says to me “That’s mine. Just a minute.” Um, excuse me? I yelled “NO. I am leaving NOW.” He came and moved his jeep. Its not like there wasn’t room to park in the street. Not sure what that guys malfunction was. I know what mine was–stress!

Hoping for a relaxing weekend. Would be nice to get in the pool or something. Something easy on my back would be nice.

Ugh

Heather — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 19:46:31 +0000

Last Monday my dad was out “helping” Zach in the yard, and in his drunkenness he fell and hurt his arm. Initially the arm was bruised but then it started swelling. He wouldn’t let me take him to have it looked at. He was soaking it in hot water and epsom salts, not sure what that was supposed to do. Last night he started talking about his impending death. I guess he’s having trouble swallowing, so its possible the throat cancer is returning.

He was given kind of an ultimatum last night that we either take him to the hospital or call 911. He said give his arm one more day because it was getting better. Obviously it is no better today, so I called 911 knowing he would refuse to go, but at least if something happened to him and his arm looked like that there would be something on record that I didn’t ignore the problem. The paramedics talked to him and he refused. They told him his arm was infected and if he didn’t have it treated he would go into sepsis and probably die. He said that was what he wanted and still refused treatment. They called out the people in charge of the unit, he still refused. They talked to a doctor who said bring him whether he wants to or not. They had to call the police to threaten to Baker act him to get him to go, but he finally went.

I imagine they will treat his arm. If the cancer is back, I seriously doubt he’ll want to fight it a third time. He’s depressed and ready to just die.

I’m just kind of beside myself with the whole thing. I feel like I shouldn’t have gone against his wishes. He’s not going to forgive me for this, and honestly I’m a bit frightened he might get violent with me. I feel like I should hide every knife in the house. Luckily the only gun we have is a really old rifle that is buried and hidden in the top of my closet. He doesn’t even know about it as it was my grandfathers.

I just feel so confused and stuck right now. I don’t know if I should even go to the hospital or if I should just send Zach.

Almost over

Heather — Thu, 30 May 2013 21:50:30 +0000

What, less than a day and a half and then its June? Of course June means summer. Not a big fan of Florida summers. The pool is useable this year, but I don’t have a bathing suit that fits well, and womens suits are SO expensive. At least what I like is (two piece with a swim skirt/trunks and tankini top, usually both having to be bought separately). And if I have anything to do with it, this would be the only summer I would fit in it. Oh, and if you are wondering, “is she actually that self-conscious that she cares what her bathing suit looks like that she wears in her private back yard?” YES, I am.

Last week was just a one bad thing after another kind of week. There was some algae in the pool, so I called my pool guy/friend. It was worse than I thought, but he did clear it up for me. I got my back adjusted and was supposed to take it easy, but that night the light bulb in my bathroom ceiling exploded, and I ended up hunched over vacuuming up tiny shards of glass, aggravating my back again. Then the next night we had a plumbing problem which led to plunging, and more work my back didn’t need. Ended up calling Roto Rooter, so I spent a lot more money than intended last week, leaving the end of the month in a real pinch. Plus, my dad, who was drunk at the time, decided to help Zach with some yard work on Sunday and fell in the yard and hurt his arm. He’s so weak and fragile, and he’s only 66. Its really hard to watch.

I’ve still been really rough around the edges emotionally. I cry at nothing, have a panic attack when someone walks up behind me and says something, and I feel anger and frustration at nothing specific. I was so tense last night that it hurt my shoulders when I lifted my hands above my head to shampoo my hair. I think I’ve lost some weight because I haven’t had much of an appetite. Not the way to do it but I’ll take what I can get. I’ve been withdrawn from everyone this week. I haven’t seen Jon since Tuesday morning. He’s got a project to finish for his class and I don’t want to get in his way. Plus, I just feel like being alone. One of these days I’ll get a good nights sleep, and hopefully soon I’ll snap out of this funk. Until then I feel better off isolated.

Tough month

Heather — Tue, 21 May 2013 20:14:05 +0000

I hate May.

I’ve been an emotional wreck all month. The 25th will mark two years since my mom passed away, the 18th was her birthday, and with the addition of Mothers day, its all a lot to handle. I started getting sad just before Mothers day. I started crying every day and just barely functioning. I’ve been clinging to Jon because I’m so scared of being alone and feeling weak. I’m sure he’s nuts by now, he just won’t admit it.

He encouraged me to make a to do list of things that need to be done around the house and I’m overwhelmed by it. There’s so much. I haven’t been keeping up with things. Along with that the house needs big repairs like a new roof, paint, some plumbing work. Thinking about all of that makes me cry more and drives me into anxiety attacks. Obviously I’m not really getting anything done.

I did go camping with Jon and his friend last weekend. Well, his friend didn’t really stick around so it became more like the two of us. It was an ok experience. It was nice to get away but I didn’t really relax much. Plus I feel really guilty because my dad drove Zach nuts all weekend, and I probably should have been with my family on my mom’s birthday. I was also looking forward to geocaching while out there, but Jon’s friend was so against it we didn’t do any. Plus I don’t think Jon really enjoys doing it with me. He’s been doing it for years and I think I’ve infringed on something that was “his” in a way.

I’m not getting exercise in. My back is messed up. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow provided I wake up for the appointment. I haven’t been eating well, I haven’t had much of an appetite. This weekend I ate so much junk. I feel like crap for it.

Enough whining. Just needed to vent somewhere.

End of the month

Heather — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 01:18:33 +0000

Well, so much for dropping a jean size in a month, I worked out four days in a row, was feeling really good and strong. Then I decided to make Saturday my rest day, then Sunday became a rest day too, and then I was just so discouraged with myself that I haven’t done anything but some walking. I also started an 8 weeks to clean eating group and found out I’m not taking in enough calories. Its a struggle to get them all in because my schedule is so screwed up. I’m sleeping 12 hours on average, leaving my up for only 12 hours, and I’m not sure why. I set an alarm to get up earlier but I just end up turning it off. I’ve got to find a way to turn things around or I’m not going to get anywhere and I’m certainly not going to get my list of stuff to do done.

On April 6th, Jon and I went to the Albin Polasek museum and garden. We spent most of our time in the garden wandering around and taking pictures. It was a beautiful day, with the wind blowing off of the lake just perfectly. The gardens are so lovely, they even had Hollyhocks which I adore. There are many sculptures around the gardens too. It would be nice to go back and see what’s blooming in the summer.

Been doing a bit of geocaching this month. I almost went out to look for a cache on my own today but its one Jon and I have looked for together and not found, so I feel like I should wait and find it with him. We went searching for a multi-cache the other night. We had to go to one location to get a number to find the coordinates for the second location, same thing at the second location, and then finally we had the coordinates for the cache. We found it, but couldn’t reach it! I was frustrated. I guess I need to learn a little more patience.

Zach just finished his second year of college. Unfortunately due to dropped classes and one failure, he’s a semester behind. I would have liked him to take a summer class but he didn’t want to. I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to goof off all summer. I have plans for him. He’s going to be thrilled.

Does anyone have any good summer vacation plans?

April fool

Heather — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:17:39 +0000

It seems like the weather is finally getting warm and going to stay that way. Last week we had highs in the lower 60′s and lows in the 40′s. That’s winter weather here. January was warmer than usual so all the spring blooming trees went into full bloom. Then February and March were cooler. The poor trees are so confused. They aren’t growing leaves yet, and some of them are actually starting to bloom again. I’m not a fan of hot weather, but it will be nice to get to a place where the air conditioning will run consistently and the air in the house will circulate.

I had a nice weekend. On Saturday I had Easter Saturday dinner with Jon and his family. I had a nice time, even if I didn’t talk much. I enjoy listening to stories anyway. I was greeted very warmly by everyone with hugs and kisses. I was kind of surprised, but in a really good way. Jon’s sister, it turns out, is a very good cook. On Sunday Jon and I went and picked out new pillows for his bed, and did a bit of geocaching. Searched for three, but only found one (I found it too!). I enjoy geocaching, even if it can be a bit frustrating and eye crossing.

Tomorrow I’m going to finally get off my proverbial and literal ass and work out. I’m going to work out with my friend/coach Amanda in the morning. I’m a bit nervous because my back has been bothering me, but I will do what I can. I’m tired of huffing and puffing, and my legs cramping when I walk. Plus I know part of my back problem probably has to do with lack of core strength and stress from my big belly. Gotta get rid of all of it. I know its going to take some time, but the longer I wait to start, the longer its going to take to make it happen. I’m hoping to drop a jean size by the end of the month. Wish me luck!

defeat

Heather — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 01:27:28 +0000

Last weekend Jon and I went to Lecanto to visit his dad for a St. Patricks day bbq. I know Jon isn’t terribly close to his family, particularly his dad, so since we got the invitation last month, I’ve told him it was completely up to him whether we went or not. Anyways, we went, and it made Jon completely miserable. He said in his own blog that the only reason he went was because it was important to me to “meet the family.” I am a little old fashioned, and being introduced to family does mean something to me. It shows acceptance. But this? I never wanted him to be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want. If I never met his dad because he didn’t want to see him I would have understood. Frankly, I was very nervous around his father, and didn’t quite know what to say. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with him, but I was too afraid and backed out. For the past week I’ve felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Jon says he doesn’t blame me, but its all there, written in black and white, or whatever colors his journal is. It makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

This weekend, as well as Saturday of last weekend, we spent a lot of time outdoors walking. Last weekend was the Winter Park sidewalk art festival. Its held along Park Ave. and the park that sits along side it. The oak pollen has been high lately, and being out a good part of the day breathing that made me wheeze. I think I kept Jon up most of the night because he kept talking to me, concerned about my breathing. I’ve been a little wheezy since. Maybe there is something else wrong, I don’t know, but I felt bad about wheezing so much. Also, every time we walk, I get extreme pain in my calves. Maybe too much laziness has led to muscle atrophy. I just don’t know, but it really sucks.

I started something called Shakeology. Its a meal replacement shake with a ton of nutrients, antioxidant, adaptogens, etc. I feel like I’m still waiting for its full effect. The first week and a half I was going though detox, and that was rough. I enjoy drinking it. It feels very complete. I’m technically a Beach Body coach so if any of you are interested in their products or programs (Like Insanity or P90X) don’t hesitate to contact me, violetsinblue@gmail.com, and I’ll help you out. I feel like I can be a great coach. I’m very good at supporting people and encouraging them. I’m just not good at doing it for myself. I’ve got two fitness programs and fear of failure has stopped me from starting both of them. I have a good deal of weight to lose, and I know its not going to be easy at my age and fitness level. I wish I had somebody who was gentle and understanding of my fear to help motivate me. Actually I could really use that in several aspects of my life. But I want to get fit. I want to be healthy, I want to get things done. I’m just scared and don’t believe in myself. And when I hurt people I love, it makes me feel worse about myself.

So yeah. I’m having a kind of shit month. Hope yours is better.

Some changes

Heather — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:02:21 +0000

February was kind of a rough month. I had a lot of anxiety pretty much every day. I kept myself as busy as possible, did some nice things for myself like getting a haircut, massage, and facial. I’ll be doing those more often.

Jon and I got back together last week. We had a long talk and cleared up some misunderstandings. Turns out he missed me like I missed him. I feel good about it, still a little nervous he’ll change his mind but he says he won’t. I just need a little time to settle again.

I’m at a point where I need to lose weight for my health. I’m going to start a Beachbody program next month and try Shakeology as well. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m worried that with my age, metabolism, slow thyroid, and bad back that I’m going to have problems making any progress. I’ve got quite a bit to lose. I’m in a group on facebook that’s all doing the same program together so I should have some support. Maybe that will make a difference.

I think its nap time now.

sleepless and a year older

Heather — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 05:29:21 +0000

I had a decent birthday. Zach cooked me dinner, and I went out for drinks with my friend Hannah. Got my free cake from Smokey Bones. It wasn’t what I thought I had planned but it was better than just sitting at home.

My sinus infection seems pretty much gone. I only have two more days of antibiotics and I couldn’t be happier. I am so sick of taking them. I swear they make the days feel longer and slower. I know that sounds strange but its true. My back is doing ok. It still hurts if I stand for long. Back to the doctor on Friday for a recheck. I wish he could do something about the knots that have developed in my upper back. I think I need a massage.

Still feeling a bit empty and lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. I’m not sleeping well at night, and only take light naps during the day. I’ve developed a cough, and feel a bit like I’m fighting something off. Sleep would really be a nice thing right now.

My life needs some serious changes.